Tuesday, april 6th

Dear diary, today I met my husbands handmaid, I hate them all so much, why do they get to sleep with MY husband, I'm just as good as she is, I Am good enough to have a baby. Well this one seemed ok, it really got on my nerves how she called me ma'am though, am I really that old? I sat her down and told her the rules of my house, besides in my house I am powerless, so I made it very clear I am the one she resorts too. I told her I would be civil with her, but if she gives me trouble, I will give it back.I know I am going to hate seeing her everyday. I hope she and my husband hate eachother. I do not want to deal with him liking her. Oh no, what If he ends up liking her more then me? Ugh, I hate all of this. I want to be able to have sex with my husband, get pregnant, and be a mom and raise MY child. I wonder if I could be my husband and my husbands only handmaid, .... If only. Well now I must sleep, I hope that dream stays away tonight, I can't deal with more.

Monday: April 5th, 2010.

I had the dream again, the dream where i'm finally allowed to have a baby, the 9 months go by so fast, but in them, i am doing my favirote old hobbies, like painting, and riding my bike. Then i am in the emergency room, having my baby, it hurts, but the pain is so worth it, my baby is finally born, and after waiting for the doctor to bring me my baby, my stomach fills with butterflies, and im filled with joy, but right before the doctor hands me my beautiful baby girl, i wake up. This is the 17th time ive had this dream, but every time its a little diffrent. In my dream, i look the same, small, older then most, blue eyes, blonde hair, and a small nose. I wake up, and my husband is gone. I never see him anymore, and im reminded of it every morning.